My sweet: learning to do what’s right. My sour: learning where my actions have been wrong as a parent at times.

“Sweet & Sour” is a practice our second youngest daughter taught us a few years ago. In our family, we share sweets & sours with each other at dinner time or when we get together to pray at night before heading to bed. Learning about emotion coaching was one of my recent sweet & sours.

What is emotion coaching?

Emotion coaching is your ability as a parent to help your children learn to hear themselves, to put their feelings into words, and know how to empathize with the emotions of others. It’s about learning the foundations of processing emotions in a healthy way.

As part of a recent assignment, I had to share an example of emotion coaching, where I demonstrated and practiced empathy and validation with one of our children. Below is a recent experience that I had with Dalia while she was six-years old. She came to me pouting. She was clearly sad for some reason:

Daughter: (Walks up to me with her arms hanging by her side, her head slightly drooping and a sad countenance)
Me: Hi Dalia. Is something wrong?
Daughter: (stands quietly and appears to want to say something but seems to ask me to guess)
Me: Honey, is there something you want to tell me?
Daughter: (she pauses for a few moments before responding) I’m sad.
Me: I can see you’re sad. Why do you feel sad? (I motion for her to come sit on my lap while I’m at my work desk. She comes and sits on my lap.)
Daughter: I miss Chavi. (our dog who we had to put down almost 1 year ago)
Me: Oh, I see. Do you feel sad because you miss him?
Daughter: (Tears well up as my words struck a chord with her.) Yes. (pause) But I really miss him dad. (She’s getting even more emotional now.)

Me: I miss him too honey. (I pause and embrace her to provide some assurance.) What do you miss most about him right now? (Wanting to learn what triggered her & to connect with what she misses most)
Daughter: I just miss him! I just wish he was here and I don’t like missing him!
Me: (I remain silent and listen, waiting for her to share more if she feels so inclined. After about 30 seconds, I speak.) Honey, it’s OK to miss him. I miss him at times too. And you know what?
Daughter: (answers sad but curiously) What dad?
Me: Do you remember running around with Chavi, or bathing him in the backyard, or playing with him and how happy he was when he was alive? Remember how much he loved you? Remember how much we took good care of him & all those happy memories with him?
Daughter: (she tilts her head because she’s considering something she hadn’t before, even though she’s thinking through a fog of sorrow and curiosity) Yeah, I remember.
Me: You know that God gives us memories so that when things like this happen, so that when Chavi passed away, we could feel good and remember the fun things we did together and how good that felt. Do you remember?
Daughter: Yes, I remember.
Me: I feel good remembering those times. I feel sad too at times. I miss him. And that’s OK. I feel peaceful because he is not suffering anymore. Those memories make my heart happy and peaceful too. (pause) What’s one of your happy memories with him?
Daughter: (Her smile confirms she’s engaged a genuine memorable experience for her.) When he would chase Oreo (our rabbit) and run around and play in the backyard…

* * *

Through emotion coaching (our nurturing), our children learn to feel loved and respected. When they feel loved and respected, they can then empathize and reciprocate love and respect. Emotion coaching is where we begin to understand them. Their connection to feeling understood fosters trust and trust is the bedrock upon which pure teaching lives. It requires that we demonstrate love and respect to them, to learn their temperaments and then adjust learning to how they are and to address their needs.

As parents we might fall into the habit of speaking at our children rather than speaking with them, listening to them, understanding their feelings, thoughts, and development. Emotion coaching positions us to listen to them first. It gives us pause. As Dr. Julie Gottman stated, the first step is for us to “encourage children to listen to themselves.” (Gottman, 2012, 0:28 ) To most effectively empower a child to listen to herself, one must first listen to her. Then, having listened to her, we must know how to help the child express what she is feeling, which requires empathy on our part. Having learned to express in words what she is feeling, she can then learn to empathize with another’s feelings. This whole process facilitates a direct personal relationship with our children.

 

References

Gottman, J. & J. (2012, April 18). Dr. John Gottman & Dr. Julie Gottman Discuss Tools for Parenting with Emotion Coaching [Video] https://youtu.be/z3uPPEtyX_I